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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Prayers

A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!”

Saturday, October 4, 2008

UNOPENED CD's

There was once a guy who suffered from cancer... A cancer that can't be treated. He was 18 years old and he could die anytime. All his life, he was stuck in his house being taken cared by his mother. He never went outside but he was sick of staying home and wanted to go out for once.


So he asked his mother and she gave him permission. He walked down his block and found a lot of stores.


He passed a CD store and looked through the front door for a second as he walked. He stopped and went back to look into the store. He saw a young girl about his age and he knew it was love at first sight. He opened the door and walked in, not looking at anything else but her. He walked closer and closer until he was finally at the front desk where she sat.


She looked up and asked "Can I help you?" She smiled and he thought it was the most beautiful smile he has ever seen before and wanted to kiss her right there.


He said "Uh... Yeah... Umm... I would like to buy a CD." He picked one out and gave her money for it.


"Would you like me to wrap it for you?" she asked, smiling her cute smile again.


He nodded and she went to the back.


She came back with the wrapped CD and gave it to him. He took it and walked out of the store. He went home and from then on, he went to that store everyday and bought a CD, and she wrapped it for him. He took the CD home and put it in his closet. He was still too shy to ask her out and he really wanted to but he couldn't. His mother found out about this and told him to just ask her.


So the next day, he took all his courage and went to the store. He bought a CD like he did everyday and once again she went to the back of the store and came back with it wrapped. He took it and when she wasn't looking, he left his phone number on the desk and ran out...

------------------


!!!RRRRRING!!!


The mother picked up the phone and said, "Hello?"


It was the girl!!! She asked for the boy and the mother started to cry and said, "You don't know? He passed away yesterday..."


The line was quiet except for the cries of the boy's mother.


Later in the day. The mother went into the boy's room because she wanted to remember him. She thought she would start by looking at his clothes. So she opened the closet. She was face to face with piles and piles and piles of unopened CDs. She was surprised to find all those CDs and she picked one up and sat down on the bed and she started to open one.


Inside, there was a CD and as she took it out of the wrapper, out fell a piece of paper. The mother picked it up and started to read it.


It said: Hi... I think U R really cute. Do u wanna go out with me? Love, Jacelyn The mother opened another CD...


Again there was a piece of paper. It said: Hi... I think U R really cute. Do u wanna go out with me? Love, Jacelyn


Love is... When you've had a huge fight but then decide to put aside your egos, hold hands and say, "I Love You . . . "

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Moral of The Story:

If you Really Love Someone please Expressed your feeling and let them know how much you Love them,That person might also love you in the same way as you love them Before it is too late................

What if u upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

What if u upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 : )

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Dear Tech Support Team:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.


I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.


In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.


Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.


I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.


Please help!


Thanks,
"A Troubled User"



REPLY:



Dear Troubled User:


This is a very common problem that people complain about.


Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.


Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!


It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.


It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.


You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .


I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.


I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.


The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.


Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .


Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0


STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


Best of luck,
Tech Support ...

Friday, September 12, 2008

Black & White !

In life, a lesson learned in your past that you will never forget completely.When I was in elementary school, I got into a major argument with a boy in my class. I have forgotten what the argument was about, but I have never forgotten the lesson learned that day.


I was convinced that "I" was right and "he" was wrong - and he was just as convinced that "I" was wrong and "he" was right.



The teacher decided to teach us a very important lesson. She brought us up to the front of the class and placed him on one side of her desk and me on the other. In the middle of her desk was a large, round object. I could clearly see that it was black. She asked the boy what color the object was. "White," he answered.


I couldn't believe he said the object was white, when it was obviously black! Another argument started between my classmate and me, this time about the color of the object.


The teacher told me to go stand where the boy was standing and told him to come stand where I had been. We changed places, and now she asked me what the color of the object was. I had to answer, "White." It was an object with two differently colored sides, and from his viewpoint it was white. Only from my side was it black.



My teacher taught me a very important lesson learned that day: You must stand in the other person's shoes and look at the situation through their eyes in order to truly understand their perspective .


**************

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Fallen Star-----------Ishmeet Singh




Nineteen is a young age to attain celebrity status and definitely too young to die. But that reality of life came home to millions mourning the sudden death of reality singing contest “Voice of India” winner Ishmeet Singh. With so many reality shows on television, stars are made and unmade almost everyday. But Ishmeet was different. This singer from a modest background from Punjab’s industrial city of Ludhiana touched the hearts and minds of millions of music lovers not just by winning the “Voice of India” contest last November but living up to his image of a “gentle Sardar” till last Tuesday.

It took just one moment of excitement at the deep end of a swimming pool in faraway Maldives to drown not just the high hopes that Ishmeet had for himself but also of the music fraternity in Bollywood and millions of his admirers who wanted him to make it big as a crooner.

“We went to the pool at the Maldives resort together. He kept egging us to come into deeper water even though none of us knew swimming. He even mocked his drowning once and laughed it off. The second time, which we realized later that he was actually drowning, we didn’t take it seriously. We shouted for help but it was too late,” fellow performers Viyom and Arunima, who went with Ishmeet for the Maldives event, told Star News channel Thursday.

“This place (Maldives) is so beautiful. Mujhe toh koi yahan naukri dey de, main toh yahan hi reh jaunga (If someone gives me a job here, I will live here only),” Ishmeet told his companions Tuesday as they arrived in the Indian Ocean island country, just a couple of hours before he drowned.

The drum beats, ‘bhangra’ steps and bursting of crackers November last year in Ludhiana and all over Punjab were drowned when tens of thousands turned up once again for the singer - this time to say a final goodbye. His popularity could be seen from the stampede-like situation at the cremation ground and also the fact that a few TV news channels telecast his funeral live.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh had called up his shattered family here to condole his death. Punjab Chief Minister Parkash Singh Badal not only got a special plane to bring his body from New Delhi but came to pay his last respects too.
Music world and television biggies - singers Abhijeet, Mika, Hans Raj Hans, Harbhajan Mann and Shreya Goshal and reality show producer Gajendra Singh - lined up like commoners at his cremation.

“It is hard to believe that the “Voice of India”, Ishmeet Singh, is no more. Like a shooting star, he’s come and gone … in a blink of the eye!” wrote columnist Jessi Kaur in Sikh diaspora website Sikhchic.com as she recounted her encounter with him at an international Sikh youth camp at Khandala near Pune.

“He promised that his first album would be of shabads, because he took his role as an icon for the Sikh youth seriously. Ishmeet, to me, was really special because his success had not gone to his head and, at heart, he remained the sweet, simple boy from Ludhiana with the love of Sikhi swelling in his heart.”

“He saw himself as blazing a trail for his young Sikh brothers and sisters who he hoped would follow their dreams, achieving great successes while proudly displaying the Khalsa form and spirit. He felt that he had been given a great responsibility: to inspire and to coax the best out of the Sikh youth,” she wrote.
Though the family of Ishmeet and singer Abhijeet want a probe into his death by drowning, doctors here, who conducted his postmortem examination, said that preliminary investigations revealed that he died of asphyxiation from drowning.

Ishmeet, who had left his college studies (he was a second-year student in a college here) last year much against the wishes of his family to enter the “Voice of India” contest and finally for a career in singing, was elevated to his celebrity status by the entertainment industry. Perhaps, it was the same industry that took his life away too!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

ARE WOMEN DUMB OR CLEVER.....?

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
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. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
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. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant

. you
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. three wishes."
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.
.
. The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed

. to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
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. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
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.
.
. The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
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. the most beautiful woman in the world.
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.
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. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
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. Your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women

. will
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. flock to. "
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.
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. The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
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. Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, -she's the most

. beautiful woman in the world!
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. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
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. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
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. world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,

. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
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.
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. So, -she's the richest woman in the world!
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. The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
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. like a mild heart attack."
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. Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them..
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. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
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. here and continue feeling good.
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. . Male readers: Please scroll down.
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. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
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. Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
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. smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
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. PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
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. show that women never listen!

BRILLIANT DOUBTS.

01.If all the nations in the world are in debt(i am not joking. Even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird).

02.When dog food is new with improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought).

03.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd).

04.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking).

05.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows).

06.Can you cry under water? (let me try).

07.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else).

08.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows.)

09.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell).

10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes).

11.What does OK actually mean?.

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch).

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed).

14.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments).

15.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help).

16.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes you can).

17.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it).

18.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (got to think scientifically).

19.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (I didn't had a chance to try).

20.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice).

21.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice?).

22.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law).

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs!

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.



The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.



Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

DO YOU HAVE FOUR WIVES ?

There was a rich merchant who had 4 wives. He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to delicacies. He took great care of her and gave her nothing but the best.


He also loved the 3rd wife very much. He's very proud of her and always wanted to show off her to his friends. However, the merchant is always in great fear that she might run away with some other men.





He too, loved his 2nd wife. She is a very considerate person, always patient and in fact is the merchant's confidante. Whenever the merchant faced some problems, he always turned to his 2nd wife and she would always help him out and tide him through difficult times.


Now, the merchant's 1st wife is a very loyal partner and has made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and business as well as taking care of the household. However, the merchant did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her.


One day, the merchant fell ill. Before long, he knew that he was going to die soon. He thought of his luxurious life and told himself, "Now I have 4 wives with me. But when I die, I'll be alone. How lonely I'll be!"


Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I loved you most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No way!" replied the 4th wife and she walked away without another word.


The answer cut like a sharp knife right into the merchant's heart. The sad merchant then asked the 3rd wife, "I have loved you so much for all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No!" replied the 3rd wife. "Life is so good over here! I'm going to remarry when you die!" The merchant's heart sank and turned cold.


He then asked the 2nd wife, "I always turned to you for help and you've always helped me out. Now I need your help again. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?" "I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!" replied the 2nd wife. "At the very most, I can only send you to your grave." The answer came like a bolt of thunder and the merchant was devastated.


Then a voice called out : "I'll leave with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go." The merchant looked up and there was his first wife. She was so skinny, almost like she suffered from malnutrition. Greatly grieved, the merchant said, "I should have taken much better care of you while I could have !"


Moral :


Actually, we all have 4 wives in our lives


a. The 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when we die.


b. Our 3rd wife ? Our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, they all go to others.


c. The 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how close they had been there for us when we're alive, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.


d. The 1st wife is in fact our soul, often neglected in our pursuit of material, wealth and sensual pleasure.


Guess what? It is actually the only thing that follows us wherever we go. Perhaps it's a good idea to cultivate and strengthen it now rather than to wait until we're on our deathbed to lament

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Riddle....to solve.

75% of grade one students solved this riddle, but only 5% of a Stanford graduate class figured it out! Can you answer the following riddle?

1. The word has seven letters
2. Preceded God.
3. Greater than God.
4. More Evil than the devil
5. All poor people have it
6. Wealthy people need it.
7. If you eat it, you will die!

Did you figure it out yet?

Try hard before looking at the answers

Got it yet?

Ready to give up?
?
?
?
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?
?


The Answer is: NOTHING!

NOTHING has 7 letters.

NOTHING preceded God.

NOTHING is greater than God.

NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.

All poor people have NOTHING.

Wealthy people need NOTHING.

If you eat NOTHING, you will die.

World Clock